


Full Circle

by FenHarel (MageRightsActivist)



Series: Four and One [2]
Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, Multi, POV Multiple, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 17:33:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5173043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MageRightsActivist/pseuds/FenHarel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times she turned away from him, and one time she didn't.<br/>Cullen x Lavellan four + one fiction where Lavellan is in a relationship with Blackwall prior to the trial.<br/>Spoilers for Blackwall's romance and personal questline.<br/>"Cullen found himself seeking the Maker’s solace. He should have known that good things in life were not allowed to come to him."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Full Circle

 

* * *

_One_

His heart dropped as soon as he laid eyes on them, their inquisition had barely begun but he had already lost his chance. The way she spoke, and the way she moved when she was with that man - it told him all he needed to know. _Blackwall,_ he had introduced himself. A Grey Warden. He was certainly masculine, with that great big beard and the way he carried himself.  
  
_Andraste preserve me._

Cullen found himself seeking the Maker’s solace. He should have known that good things in life were not allowed to come to him. The commander cursed himself for it, she had met him weeks ago now and yet he made no attempt to get closer to her. He waited always for her move, afraid to initiate anything, and therein he had lost his chance. She sent a smile in his direction as she spoke to their new ally. The sight sets his heart aflame. Why must she be so beautiful? He mourned the loss of a love that never began, and could not stop the scowl from forming on his face. She saw it, she must have because her smile dropped and she turned away from him. She turned away to a man unafraid to tell her his intentions.

* * *

_Two_

Horses were the topic of discussion today. Skyhold offered much more potential than Haven ever could for housing the beasts, yet sourcing the right breeds still offered debate. Why the Ferelden Forder was not enough he would never understand. The commander identified somewhat with the horses, of humble origin, sound enough yet often set aside in favour of something more fanciful. He scowled at the thought.

“Cullen?”

A voice broke him from his thoughts and he mentally chastised himself for being so rude as to ignore his company.

“Inquisitor.” he responded simply. “I’m sorry, I was distracted by this stallion’s coat.”

It was a lie, but the beast did have beautiful colouring, she would probably believe him.

“He is rather lovely.” she smiled contentedly, sending a jolt through Cullen’s core.

It had been some time since she began her relationship with Blackwall, but she would still visit her advisor every day. It wouldn’t be long before he came for her and she was taken away again, but in the times they had together they had become fast friends. The commander hoped that she felt she could trust him, because even though his infatuation had mutated into a bitter unrequited love he wanted nothing more than for her safety and her happiness. If that happiness came in the form of Blackwall so be it, although he couldn’t stop himself from fostering a small amount of hatred for the other man over it.

“Why we can’t keep the Forders I will never know.” The topic of horses was a much more pleasant line of thought than this.

“I would like a Dalish,” began the Inquisitor. “If only because it will remind me of home.”

He nodded, he could understand that.

“I imagine that’s why you like the Forders so much.” she laughed slightly, the sound was music to Cullen’s ears and he found he had to chuckle in kind.

“Another Ferelden stuck here, we’re kindred spirits I and this horse.”

She turned to face him, one hand on his forearm, his heart rate shot through the roof. This had been happening more and more lately - small touches, moments where they weren’t close enough to infer romance, but far too close for it to be innocent.  
“I hope you don't feel as if you are _trapped_  here, Cullen.” she spoke with an intensity he had not heard from her before.  
He wanted to say something meaningful but anything he felt like saying died in his throat, her eyes on him staring him down made him both uncomfortable and aroused. After far too long like this he formulated his response.

“Never…”

It was soft and quiet, he wanted nothing more than to close the distance, to sweep her up into his arms and tell her all of the words he’d been holding in his heart. Then something else happened that had been happening more often lately.

“My lady!” Blackwall’s voice from within the barn broke the spell between them, and whatever tension there was in the air dissipated in an instant. “I’ve completed the task you set me.”

She grinned, turning away again with a wave in Cullen’s direction. He vaguely recalled hearing her say something about continuing their conversation another time. It was always like this, even when she wasn’t with him, she was with him. Left with only his thoughts for company Cullen patted the horse sombrely.

“Looks like we’ve both been left behind by those with more lustre.”

* * *

_Three  
_

He had never seen her wear this expression, it was confusion and anguish and everything he wanted to protect her from. She ascended the stairs out of the prison two at a time. Extending an arm Cullen caught her as she walked past.

“Inquisitor!” he called a little too loudly, and she stopped to look at him. “Sister Leliana’s report.”

She took the paper from him but couldn’t bear to read it.

“Give me an overview…” she mumbled eventually.

They discussed Thom Ranier and his actions for some time, along with the possibility of his release. Cullen’s blood was boiling, to see her in such torment at the hands of a disgusting man gave him no pleasure. If he had his way Ranier would be hanged at dawn - unfortunately that was not up to him to decide.

She wanted him released to the inquisition for judgement, and the commander felt the will leave his body. Even now she seemed lost to him. There was something else now, her confusion seemed to be based on more than just this series of events, but he could not bring himself to ask what it was. Instead he opted for something else, something perhaps all too bold given the circumstances.

“Inquisitor,” he began before correcting himself. “Lady Lavellan,” this had her attention now, he didn’t often address her this way unless they were flirting or jesting with one another. “If I may ask… What has this man done to deserve your loyalty?”

“Cullen, don’t…”

She interrupted him, but Cullen would not stop until he had said his piece.

“I am not joking. He has betrayed all of us, but perhaps you even more. He does not deserve your forgiveness nor your affection, and Maker knows I am loathe to see you return to him.”

Now her eyes were upon him again, glaring at him as though she might melt a hole straight through his skull with her gaze.

“ _Maker knows,_ ” she spat. “That you are loathe to many things, and perhaps naive to a great many others!”

He recoiled at this, he had only meant to encourage her to forget Ranier, not to anger her so. His selfishness did him no credit.

“Forgive me it was not my place, I only intended-“

“Regardless of what you intended, Commander, you overstepped your bounds. Did it never occur to you that I may have reason to release him other than to jump straight back into bed with him? Or do you believe me only capable of being some man’s prize?”

“Of course not, you are a strong and faith driven woman, there is much more to you than his affections.”

“Then why must you make it sound so? At this point I feel I have more respect in his company than yours. At least he was always clear in his intentions.”

As he had seen all too many times she turned her back to him, making for the exit.

“Inquisitor I-“ she cut him off with a wave of her hand.

“Enough. I asked the Maker daily why he sent you to me, why he was content to confuse me so - if it was a test of my faith, my conscience, my affection for Blackwall.” Taking a deep breath she righted herself. “The last thing I need right now is more confusion.”

And with that, she left and Cullen found himself alone once more.

* * *

_Four_

The judgement was swift, Blackwall’s freedom was granted to him provided he join the Grey Wardens upon Corypheus’ defeat. It was a sad affair for all involved. His betrayal felt like a personal insult to all those who considered themselves his friends, so the wounded parties were numerous. On this day, however, the Inquisitor did not falter. Hers was an expression of cold judgment, calculated and apart from the situation.

Blackwall had done his best to appease her, spoke of his love for her, his devotion despite what had happened. Her response was clipped and measured. She stared at him with emotionless eyes, straightening herself up in her seat to her full height, as far away from him as possible.

“I have no future with a Grey Warden.”

There was nothing more she would say, no amount of appeal worked to dissuade her from her decision. It was decisive and left no room for interpretation. Cullen felt almost sorry for him, no matter what had occurred between them he believed that Blackwall really had cared for her. The sentence had seemed a blessing, but his real punishment was the loss of her company. The commander dared not approach the subject after their last conversation only yesterday. Instead he stood in his place through the ordeal where others had chosen not to be present. He wanted her to understand that no matter what transpired he would be there for her, because as much as he loved her he valued her friendship more.

When all was said and done she spent some time sat on the throne in silence. He didn't blame her. After all, even if she'd shown no emotion to Ranier, Cullen knew it had been painful for her. How could it not have been? Eventually she rose to her feet, refusing to look at anyone around her. This obviously included him.

"Inquisitor?" He offered, looking at the view of her back as he had so many times before.

"Not now, Cullen." She replied, and left without turning to face him.

He had heard it, however, the crack of her voice.

It destroyed him.

* * *

_One_

It was some time before she came to speak with him again. Their once daily chats had turned into a rare occurrence, and Cullen missed her more than anything in the world. Blackwall's trial had been weeks ago, if you wanted to you could find him sulking in the stables without his Inquisitor to cheer him up. He spoke of her often, small things that he clearly missed of her now that she no longer visited him. How her hair looked in the morning sunlight, what she would think of his latest piece of carving, that the horses must be lonely without her frequent fussing.

Cullen missed many things about her too. Her nonchalance about bursting in on him whenever she liked, her happy smile as he told her of his family, the pride in her voice when they discussed their faith, and though he didn't think it possible the smell of her that was so familiar. He had been against her becoming a Templar but she had made her own decision, now the smell of her was intoxicating - especially while he battled his own addiction.

Her last visit had been a week and a half ago, and very brief at that. Today, she opened his door once again, an expression of apprehension and decisiveness on her face. The smell hit him again and he almost drooled at the thought of it, as per usual she shone in the light. It was as if she had never been away.

"Inquisitor?" He asked incredulously.

"Do you have a moment to talk?" she asked after a brief pause.

He nodded in response, gesturing to the room at large.

"What do you wish to discuss?"

Ordinarily he would tease her for coming to visit, this time he sensed some importance.

"Actually I was hoping we could speak alone."

Cullen felt a creeping sensation across his skin, alone with her? Surely the Maker would not be so cruel as to torment him in this way. 

"Alone..? I, um, of course. Give me a moment." 

He organised the papers he had been working on and they walked out onto the battlements together.

After a couple of passing comments on the weather and other equally unimportant things Cullen sighed loudly.

"There was something you wanted to discuss?" He asked her, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.

There was a pause, and then-

"I find myself thinking of you a lot, more than I should. All of the time really."

At first he could not respond as he could not process the information given to him. He wanted to jump for joy, to scream a thousand thank you messages into the sky to the Maker for his benevolence. Every cell was on fire as he reviewed what it meant.

"I-I can't say I haven't wondered what it would be like." He paused, looking out over the landscape, anything to avoid her heated gaze. "However, you haven't always had the highest opinion of me."

He was referring to their argument, and the cold shoulder she had been giving him. Regardless of the intense feeling of happiness inside of him at her mention of this, he felt concerned that he may be taking advantage of her.

"Cullen you must know by now," she began, which caused him to turn and face her once more. "I had feelings for you even when I was with Blackwall. I did not intend them to but they grew over time. When things ended I-"

She shook her head unable to continue her explanation, Cullen put his hands on her shoulders. So it wasn't a figment of his imagination. She had felt for him, as he had felt for her. Perhaps if he'd been more proactive he could have won her over long ago. This was irrelevant now, now she needed him to be there for her, and he would be.

"Believe me, the confusion was mutual. I never hoped..."

He trailed off, their faces inches from one another. The scent of her was overwhelming this close, and he wasn't sure that he could hold himself back from her.

"Do you really want this?" He asked despite himself. Every bone in his body screamed at him not to ask, to just kiss her and be done with it but even now he respected her too much. He knew in his heart that no matter how much he desired her, he could not do this if she didn't feel the same.

"I spent so long feeling guilty," she began, that pained expression she wore so often lately returned again and his heart twisted in his chest. "For having feelings for another man. I was determined to stick by Blackwall, and he turned out to be a lie. I don't want to hide this part of myself in debt to a man who no longer exists."

Cullen understood, truthfully the man she had been courting was gone. No matter what was said now to convince her that trust had disappeared, and trust was an almost impossible thing to win back.

"I have many things I wish to say, but I will not say them yet. If only to spare you some pain."

She pulled him closer now, their breathing mingled together and he could almost taste the lyrium on her. This, he thought, would be a very welcome way to assuage some of his withdrawal, even if he no longer took it.

"I am a Dalish elf, you know." She purred.

"I am aware." He replied, their tones low now, quiet. He moved a hand to touch one of her ears to affirm the statement. It was cold at the tip but soft and pliable. She hummed under him, the vibrations felt in his chest.

"You are happy with the idea of making an elf yours? People will talk."

He frowned a little, did she think him so shallow that he intended to drop her when things got too serious because of her heritage? His distaste was replaced by a bittersweet sadness as he realised she was simply afraid of being lied to again. He couldn't resist a joke to lighten the mood, however dark the humour.

"Well I'm not going to leave you in a barn and disappear."

She scowled at him but it was playful. It seemed her good humour was returning. With that he could wait no longer, and he claimed her lips as his own. The taste of her was all encompassing, he found he could think of nothing but her, and all of his senses were consumed by her. When they eventually broke apart she pushed him away from her slightly. Shyness returning he stammered a little, already preparing an apology which died on his tongue as she backed away from him slowly. Her jaunt and face screamed sultry seduction, and she continued to face him until she was turning through a door and out of sight.

"Maker's breath." He allowed himself aloud. A smile graced his features as he thought back over the past few months and how his love for her had grown unattended. It could only flourish more under her affection. For the first time in his life he felt as if something good had come to him, something good that was meant for him and nobody else. A new worry rooted itself now, that she might perish on their journey, that he might. He shook these thoughts from his mind. For now, he reasoned, at least one thing was certain.

He would not be the one to stare at her back as she left him behind any longer.

 

**Author's Note:**

> It was fun to write another one of these. I'm off university with a relatively long term illness at the moment so I have some time to write but not necessarily the energy to deal with long multi-chapter fictions.  
> I chose to romance Cullen first out of all the options the first time I ever played inquisition and his romance still plays the right tune for me.  
> My most recent playthrough saw me romancing Blackwall until I wondered what Cullen's response would be to being romanced after someone else. It was adorable. I love writing Cullen, I hope you enjoy reading my Cullen.  
> 


End file.
